Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Have Kids: Will Travel

I've learned something very interesting in the past few days . . . when you are living (albeit temporarily) in a very beautiful location on a lake, it is very difficult to write a blog. I've  also discovered that beer and wine taste so much better when shared with wonderful people.

Needless to say, a few beers and several glasses of wine have been shared, and the blog has not been a priority. It's been amazing to just sit back, visit with my Aunt and Uncle, and have a great deal of fun with the kids. Food for the soul indeed.

I'm not gonna lie - the trip out here was . . . entertaining. As any family with children knows, long journeys by car can sometimes require a great deal of recovery time once arriving at your final destination. Ours was no exception. It went something like this . . .

Eat breakfast and dress the kids.

Ensure everyone uses the washroom. Load half a can of garbage into the car to throw into a dumpster on way out of town.

Herd everyone into the car.  Realize everyone in the family except YOU have used the washroom. Endure loud sighs and laughter.

Listen to husband gag loudly and repeatedly until garbage has been thrown in the dumpster.

Stop at Tim Horton's - upsize to an Extra Large. Listen to Zach start telling his siblings that HE gets to go fishing because he has a fishing rod and they DON'T.

Ten minutes later, hear the 7 words no one wants to hear: "Dad, I have to poop REALLY bad"! Drive super fast to the nearest town hoping and praying that "It's coming out RIGHT NOW" is just an expression.

Find a washroom, discover clean shorts, breathe sigh of relief, and continue onwards.

Fifteen minutes later listen to other children in the car complain about having to pee. Take a long drink of coffee and think to self "If it wasn't illegal and dangerous, there would be Bailey's along with cream in this drink". Endure more fighting about the fishing rod.

Stop at next town to allow other children to use washroom. Get another Extra Large Coffee and mentally add Bailey's. Explain to children that 7 a.m. is too early to have lunch. When Elizabeth firmly states she is 'ready for this trip to be over' realize that the next 7 hours might feel very long.

Ten minutes later express disbelief when children begin complaining about needing to pee.

Stop at next rest stop so children can pee. Again. Give them snacks in the hopes they will sit quietly for a couple hours. Commence fighting over fishing rod and complaints about fairness.

Fifteen minutes later note nasty rumbling in stomach consistent with drinking too much coffee. Start counting down kilometers to next rest stop. Engage butt muscles and start praying when sign says next rest stop is 50 km away. Wish the fart pads you ordered had arrived prior to leaving on vacation. Endure teasing and gagging for 20 km. Arrive at rest stop and wait for 20 minutes while the kids try to find their shoes and get out of the car. Stand in line in bathroom for 5 minutes. Thank god when you see the toilet.

Resume journey. Listen to children complain about being so so so hungry for one hour. When Ben asks "When the heck are we going to be in the mountains anyways?!?" patiently explain that we have been driving through them for over an hour already.

Stop at restaurant for lunch. Wish you had brought tie down straps to keep the kids in one place. Repeat bathroom breaks X2. Resume trip. Thank the lord repeatedly for in car DVD systems. Contemplate throwing fishing rod out the window.

Breathe sigh of relief that kids finally fall asleep. Feel relief quickly turn to dread once you realize that the car needs gas.

Stop at a park so the kids can burn off some energy in ways other than kicking seat backs and wielding the fishing rod like a sword.

Pay $50 to walk through the woods and see bad papier mache story book characters at the Enchanted Forest. Contemplate a real estate purchase when arriving at the Old Shoe and discovering how much the kids enjoy being inside it. I am an old woman after all. Grimace when husband purchases bird seed so the kids can feed the ducks wandering around the exit of the park.

Resume trip. When Zach asks "how much longer", patiently state "one and a half hours". Spend the next fifteen minutes explaining that I did not say "Talk to a trucker", I said "one and a half hours" and no, we weren't going to try and find a trucker to ask either.

Stop in Vernon to purchase fishing rods for Elizabeth and Ben.  Attempt to ensure no one is injured by swinging fishing rods on way out of store. Take the wrong turn and end up heading back the direction we came. Innocently joke that we are going home and endure twelve solid minutes of sobbing and wailing while apologizing profusely.

Arrive at destination. Thank the Lord for getting us here safely. Be grateful for a wonderful Aunt and Uncle who share their home with us. Commence relaxation.

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